5.01 - Buffy vs. Dracula
Willow: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.
Xander: And where'd you get that accent? Sesame Street? Vun, two, three -- three victims. Mwa ha ha!
Xander: I wonder if he knows Frankenstein?
Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me eleven pounds, for one thing.
Riley: I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?
Giles: Uh, a castle?
Riley: A big honkin' castle.
Xander: Where is he! Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating man-bitch?
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.
Riley: It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here.
Giles: I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.
Riley: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?
5.02 - The Real Me
Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.
Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.
Buffy: You put it in neutral again, huh?
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-- I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp!
Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield you from it at the same time?
Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
Xander: You nut. Your mom loves you both equally. But if I'm wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale. Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while. Then we'll see who's the favorite.
Anya: A Slayer's house should have more weapons lying around.
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return.
Buffy: How bored WERE you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
Buffy (to Dawn): Don't. Break. Anything. Just don't touch anything. What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.
5.03 - The Replacement
Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to hell. They have one bedrooms, right?
Anya: We can have the Scooby meetings in the living room. And Giles can explain the boring things...over there.
Riley: We like the ceiling fan.
Willow: Yes! It's very...you know, kind of old south.
Buffy: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
Xander: I guess I'll start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious so I say Bravo for me!
Xander: So you bought the Magic Shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swinging chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?
Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
Riley: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing?
Xander: Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance.
Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
Xander Double: We're completely identical.
Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over ... fingerprints!
Anya: Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together and then, you know, slap them back together in the morning.
Giles: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
Xanders: Kill us both, Spock!
Buffy: They're kind of the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
5.04 - Out Of My Mind
Willow: Look at us - we're arguing! We're having a debate about a college lecture. I have dreamt of this day since... forever.
Buffy: Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the family.
Buffy: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe. Willow: Aw, poor Buffy's brain.
Anya: Who put the monkey head near the Styx water? Do we want to pick exploded monkey out of our hair?
Willow: Ooh, are these real newt eyes?
Giles: No, too rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes. It's the cataracts which gives them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery.
Xander: I'm telling you, Giles. You've got to set up a blind taste-test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good.
Buffy: You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all rolled up into one. Q from Bond, not Star Trek.
Buffy: You know what else he might find homey, in a dank, unpleasant, evil sort of way? The Initiative caves.
Giles: We do have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin-deprived hand.
Spike: Harmony, if your incessant prattling bollixes up this operation, I'm gonna personally rip out your pink and wriggly tongue.
Spike: Bathe in the Slayer's blood. I've gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.
Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there. That nasty little face, that bouncing, shampoo- commercial hair. That whole holier-than-thou attitude.
Harmony: Well, aren't we kind of unholy by definition...
5.05 - No Place Like Home
Buffy: My fellow ravers will so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the bunt cake.
Buffy: I put his before the group. What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.
Willow: I can't help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn... 'cause she's, you know, a big spaz.
Anya: Please go.
Xander: Anya, the shopkeepers union of America called; they want me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have.
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
Anya: Hey you! Have a nice day.
Xander: There's my girl!
Buffy: What are you doing here. Five words or less.
Spike: Out. For. A. Walk…Bitch.
Spike: On your merry way, then? You know, contrary to one's self-involved worldview, your house happens to be directly between parts and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole “burst into flame” phase.
Spike: I really hope so, 'cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard, and -- and, I never really liked you anyway, and -- and you have stupid hair.
Giles: Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
Xander: Would that involve moving?
Dawn: I tell you I have this theory. It goes where you're the one who's not my sister 'cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: It explains your fashion sense. And smell.
5.06 - Family
Anya: But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago...and it was fun!
Giles: People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs.
Buffy: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
Giles: Well, I saw myself in more of a ... patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling.
Anya: Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. Please come again for more purchases!
Giles: Come up with anything yet?
Xander: Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomy's...but, I think I want me to have it.
Giles: And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know...the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: Bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.
Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud.
Glory: A slayer?? Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How unbelievably common! If I had friends, and they heard about this...
Mr. Maclay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.
Dawn: You don't wanna mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hair-puller.
Anya: E-excuse me. What kind?
Anya: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society.
Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.
Tara: I'm not a demon.
Willow: You're not a demon.
Tara: He hurt my nose.
5.07 - Fool For Love
Buffy: Well, at least no major organs got kebabed.
Buffy: Accelerated healing powers come with the Slayer package. And the boyfriend who comes complete with combat medical training? That's just a Buffy Summers bonus.
Joyce: I'm fine, bordering on chipper, and tomorrow planning on being obnoxious.
Xander: HEY, RILEY? WHAT'S THE [gestures] ALL ABOUT?
Riley: It means "Yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance."
Xander: See, now he's all mad and sarcastic.
Willow: It's because you were doing all that yelling, Mr. Stealthy-pants.
Buffy: I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package, but I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto.
Giles: The problem is that after a final battle, that, uh, it's difficult to get any, uh... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather, um...
Buffy: It's okay to use the "D" word, Giles.
Giles: Dead. And... hence not very forthcoming.
Buffy: Why didn't the Watcher's keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just... stop.
Giles: Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just found the whole subject too...
Buffy: Unseemly? Damn. Love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.
Giles: Painful, I was going to say.
Spike: Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies, 'cause you're "fine".
Buffy: Were you born this big a pain in the ass?
Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.
William: Quickly, I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for "gleaming"? It's a perfectly perfect word, as many words go, but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see.
Girl: Have you heard? They call him "William the Bloody" because of his bloody awful poetry.
Guy: It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!
Dru: Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. That, and burning baby fish swimming all around your head.
Buffy: So, how'd you kill her?
Spike: Funny you should ask. Lesson the first: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon. I've already got mine.
Spike: Lesson the second: Ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat them? Question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?
Spike: Beneath me. I'll show her. Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish. Bitch won't need one.
Joyce: You know the nothing that I've been dealing with the last couple of weeks? It might not be nothing.
5.08 - Shadow
Anya: That's what I've been saying. I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!
Spike: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?
Riley: Because you're harmless.
Spike: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you...but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough.
Spike: Mum's sickly. Buffy took her to the hospital for a bit of prod 'n probe. Bite-sized one went too. You know, it's-it's funny her not calling you about that. I've known since last night.
Tara: Something old. So old it pre-dates the written word.
Willow: Giles, the Dagon sphere. You said that was created to repel...
Giles: That which cannot be named.
Willow: So I'm thinking maybe she...
Giles: Predates language itself?
Xander: Well hey, if it means I don't have to read any more, woo! And might I add a big hoo!
Xander: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.
Anya: Great. Thank you very much for those nightmares.
Xander: Yeah. Crazy. Going off alone, half-cocked, instead of waiting for much-needed backup ... charging in with a big old hand grenade ... oh, wait.
5.09 - Listening To Fear
Joyce: Help yourself. There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Dawn: It's good and wiggly. There's a girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground up cows feet, and that if you eat jell-o there's some cows that are limping with no feet, but I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet... right?
Willow: Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish.
Willow: Buffy, I have this for you.
Buffy: Homework? Ehh... I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore.
Willow: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part of the stars.
Joyce: I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push buttons at the crosswalk that are supposed to make the signal change.
Buffy: I'm sure someone's on-- What? The push buttons aren't hooked up to anything?
Anya: So, we're all thinking the same thing, right?
Xander: Festive piñata? Delicious candy?
Willow: Something evil crashed to Earth in this, and then broke out and slithered away to do badness.
Giles: In all fairness, we don't really know about the "slithered" part.
Anya: Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.
Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot demon.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot demon from outer space. I did not say that.
Giles: Demons enter our world in all sorts of different ways. This one came from above.
Xander: And the university library's astronomy section is the home of aboveness. Got it.
Joyce: No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you.
Buffy: I promise.
5.10 - Into The Woods
Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this...and Buffy would chase me around the house yelling "I'm the Slayer! I'm gonna get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will turn out badly.
Joyce: You don't think it's too obvious? I think I look like I have a cat on my head.
Buffy: But a very well groomed cat.
Joyce: Well that's a comfort.
Buffy: I think it's fun. We can get you a whole bunch of different wigs. You can be like - Action Mom, Sixties Mom, French Maid Mom...
Buffy: Spike. Every time you show up like this, you risk all your parts - you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual I'm here to help you and are you naked under there?
Giles: And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization - I am a purveyor of it.
Anya: Oh, yes. Very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She is newly-human and strangely literal."
Willow: What? I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks like that.
Anya: There is nothing wrong with my idea, anyway. I have been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.
Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And then sometimes I think I've got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her... To be all alone even when you're holding her, feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you, the scent of -- no, you've got the better deal.
Xander: In your world, maybe. But where the people are this isn't the time for tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades.
Anya: Oh. Well, let's just go home and, y'know, have 'em.
Xander: I need to say something to you. I should have said it a long time ago. I mean, you may not even know... I love you, Anya, more every day. I love the way you see things. I love the way you work a cash register and how beautiful you are - and how amazingly sweet and crazy you can be at the same time...I can't imagine my days without you - and I wouldn't want to.
5.11 - Triangle
Anya: Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. Big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like on a bomb in a movie. And there's this whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second... no... the red one and click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left. Then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Buffy: Don't talk about their books again. You get all... and sometimes there's drool.
Willow: He's not a ball of sunshine.
Buffy: The professor spit too much when he talked. It was like being at Sea World. "The first five rows will get wet."
Xander: They get in these fights and then they're both looking to me, like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow will get this look. This "what the hell do you see in her" look.
Spike: I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know?
Xander: Well, she was insane.
Spike: Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you note. I mean, look at all these lovely blood-covered people, I could... but not a taste for Spike. Not a lick. Knew you wouldn't like it.
Olaf: HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A TINY MAN!
Xander: No! You are one crazy troll! I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend! That's insane troll-logic!
Anya: Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming and your roar is less than full-throated!
Olaf: DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS AGGRAVATING AND EMASCULATING AS EVER YOU WERE!
Olaf: WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR, MINISCULE BLONDE ONE? YOUR FRIENDS? THESE TWO?
5.12 - Checkpoint
Buffy: They put me through that test, and it almost killed me. And then, when I was Faith, they almost killed me again. Honestly, I really can't handle almost being killed right now.
Willow: Does it matter? I mean, is she really gonna set the junior high school buzzing with "ooh, there's a delegation a-coming"?
Buffy: I, uh, about, you know, killing him ... you know, they, they poisoned him and, and they beat him and they shot him, and he didn't die. Professor: Until they rolled his body in a carpet and drowned him in a canal.
Buffy: But there are reported sightings of him as late as the 1930s, aren't there?
Professor: I can assure you there is near consensus in the academic community regarding the death of Rasputin.
Buffy: There was also near consensus about Columbus, you know, until someone asked the Vikings what they were up to in the 1400s, and they're like, "discovering this America-shaped continent."
Anya: Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, twenty years old. Born on the fourth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
Joyce: I, I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place.
Spike: Just don't break anything. And don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on.
Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
Spike: Oh! No, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake.
Joyce: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.
Buffy: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
Nigel: This is beyond insolence- (Buffy throws a sword at him)
Buffy: I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.
Xander: That was excellent!
Buffy: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
Buffy: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends...
Buffy: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Anya: Willow's a demon?!
Philip: The boy? No power there.
Buffy: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.
Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
Travers: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.
Buffy: What is she?
Travers: She's a god.
5.13 - Blood Ties
Anya: I can help with the research. I know way more about demon dimensions than Giles. Well I do.
Buffy: Pretty! Thank you!
Tara: We thought you'd get a lot of crossbows and other killy stuff.
Willow: So we figured, less killy, more frilly.
Anya: It's lovely! I wish it was mine! Oh like you weren't all thinking the same thing.
Giles: I'm fairly certain I wasn't.
Spike: She probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not just a blob of energy - she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now? Spin the bloody wheel. You'll find her, just in the nick of time. That's what you hero types do. You'll find her.
Dawn: Is she mad? About the fire?
Buffy: I think you sort of have a get out of jail free card, on account of big love and trauma.
Dawn: Really? Okay… Good. Think she'd raise my allowance?
Buffy: Don't push it.
5.14 - Crush
Xander: So, where did Dawn, how did she come to this extremely... entertaining conclusion?
Buffy: She was hanging out with Spike. I think she has a crush on him.
Buffy: What...is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?
Spike: A d- Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - Do you want it to be?
Buffy: Well, I...I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.
Spike: No, look at me! I...love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut...my throat.. I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.
Spike: I can do without the laugh track, Dru.
Drusilla: But it's so funny. I knew...before you did. I knew you loved the Slayer. The pixies in my head whispered it to me.
Spike: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.
Buffy: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling, it's not love. You can't love without a soul.
Drusilla: Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well. If not wisely.
Buffy: What part of punching you in the face do you not understand?
Spike: So we had a fight. It's not our first, love, and it doesn't change anything.
Buffy: It changes everything, Spike! I want you out. I want you out of this town, I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my friends, or my family again ever! Understand??
Spike: No, it's not that easy. We have something, Buffy. It's not pretty, but it's real, and there's nothing either one of us can do about it.
5.15 - I Was Made To Love You
Buffy: Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I am not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends, and they both left. Really left. Left town left.
Tara: Willow's good at all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?
Anya: Oh. Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, "whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans." Tara: I go online sometimes, but...everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's... depressing.
Anya: She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Xander: Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.
Buffy: Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.
Tara: Well, at least she didn't do too much damage.
Giles: Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're going to have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat, and it's not fair on her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance ... then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
Giles: And you're certain she was a robot?
Tara: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass… Just...tryin' a little spicy talk.
Xander: Beautiful girl with ... no other thought but to please you ... willing to do anything...Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but...he'd get it.
Dawn: A robot? Really? Was it Ted? 'Cause I always said there could have been more than one of him.
Buffy: No ... people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's like ... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Xander: Well, I'll say this, she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.
5.16 - The Body
Xander: Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty boozehound.
Willow: He always passes me by. Something always puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.
Anya: No, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: Advantage of a thousand year old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through this, I mean I knew her and then she's, there's just a body, I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead, it's stupid, it's mortal and stupid, Xander's crying and not talking and I was having fruit punch and I thought that Joyce would never have any more fruit punch and she'd never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever and no one will explain...
Xander: In my defense, some crappy wallmanship here.
Willow: Yeah, you can hear everything next door...
Xander: Who did the drywall on this place?
Willow: I always forget to ask.
Tara: Did I miss something?
Anya: Xander decided that he blames the wall.
Xander: You're right. Avengers got to get with the assembling.
Buffy: Giles is gonna go over the paperwork.
Xander: Man, if there's one day they should not give you homework...
Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice and now we all hurt.
Xander: Anya, ever the wordsmith...
Buffy: Thank you.
Buffy: Was it sudden?
Buffy: Your mother...
Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.
5.17 - Forever
Spike: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand.
Xander: And the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.
Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me… And she never treated me like a freak.
Anya: Well, I just feel like I understand sex more. It isn't just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life.
Anya: Exactly. Sex is like a big party for our aliveness. But it's more than that. It's about making life.
Xander: Right. When two people are much older and way richer and far less stupid-
Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you. But I could, we could. Life could come out of love and our smooshing and that's beautiful… It all makes me feel like we're part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow, you know?
Buffy: Don't be. I'm so grateful you came, Angel. I didn't think I was going to make it through the night.
Angel: We have a few more minutes until I have to go.
Anya: Don't you watch television? I - thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.
Willow: I want to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You had eggs, sunny side up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs…
Tara: Sassy eggs.
Buffy: Well, who's going to be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you thought about that? Who's going to make things better? Who's going to take care of us?
Buffy: I didn't mean to push you away… I didn't… I just didn't want you to see me… I mean… Oh, God… What are we going to do, Dawny? I'm so scared-
5.18 - Intervention
Buffy: I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?
Dawn: Yeah. I love you too.
Buffy: I love you. Really love you.
Dawn: Gettin' weird.
Buffy: Sorry. But - it's important that I tell you. Weird love is better than no love.
Buffy: A Guide, but no water or food. So it leads me to the sacred place and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?
Giles: Buffy, really. It takes more than a week to bleach bones.
Buffybot: I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
Buffybot: Should I start this program over?
Spike: Shh. No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy.
Anya: In the movies, when someone goes crazy, they slap 'em.
Xander: I'm gonna go find her, talk to her. If she's losing it, we need to help her before she gets herself hurt.
Tara: You aren't really going to slap her, are you?
Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
Spike: Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!
Anya: We're just kinda thrown by the, you having sex with Spike.
Buffy: The who whatting how with huh?
Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled-
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think you are.
Xander: God, I feel kinda bad for the guy. Gets all whupped, then his best toy gets taken away…
Buffy: Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.
Spike: Buffy - the other… the not-as-pleasant Buffy. Something happened to Dawn it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.
Buffy: What you did for me, and Dawn, that was real. And I'll never forget it.
5.19 - Tough Love
Xander: Ahn, how 'bout we try being a bit less prejudiced and a bit more inclusive? Not us, just you.
Xander: And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as...as your... You know, I'm searching for 'supportive things' and I'm coming up all bras. So. Something slightly more manly preferably, think of me as that. Seriously, whatever you need.
Willow: Sure it is! I'd totally be blowing off classes if I was in Dawnie's shoes.
Tara: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off class if your head was on fire.
Tara: No, please, if I... I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again, probably often and in public.
Willow: Well I took Psyche 101 -- I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation right before the final -- but I know what a Freudian slip is.
Willow: Yeah, I know. But it's a whole night and I don't think I can sleep without her.
Anya: You can sleep with me. You know, that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.
Spike: So, you're saying a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning to go out and spill herself a few pints of god blood until you...explained?
Buffy: You think she'd...? No. I told Willow, fighting Glory'd be suicide...
Spike: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.
Buffy: Eggplant, that's me. And, what is this, peanut butter and... ew, salami, Dawn?
Dawn: Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what - half-egg, half-plant? 'Cause that's just unnatural.
5.20 - Spiral
Xander: Anybody else a little queasy?
Anya: He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp.
Xander: Just give it a rest or --
Spike: Or what? Gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?
Xander: --or you're going to be Undead Man Walking. See how fast you hitch a ride with a flaming thumb.
Spike: Yeah, no biggie. Look, skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play peek-a-boo with Mr. Sunshine all you want. Keep the ride from getting boring.
Spike: Hello! You're driving one!
Willow: Don't hurt the horsies!
Buffy: We won't. Aim for the horsies.
Xander: We got company -- and they brought a Crusade!
Xander: Whoa, hey, uh... this is war, isn't it? And if there's one thing I've learned from Sergeant Rock, in war there are rules. Or at least there should be... if you're as "honorable" as you think you are. Plus we do have your General Forehead Guy.
Xander: I mention today how much I don't like you?
Spike: Might have slipped it in once or twice.
5.21 - The Weight Of The World
Willow: Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon she's gonna use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is so if you two want to fight, you do it after the world ends. 'kay? Alright. First, we head back to Sunnydale. Xander'll take Giles to a hospital. Anya's looking after Tara, and Spike: - you find Glory. Check her apartment, first, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid like payback and I will get very cranky. Everyone clear? Or do we have questions?
Willow: So, Ben and Glory are... the same person?
Xander: Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.
Anya: And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.
Spike: And a kewpie doll for the lady.
Giles: Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there could be any kind of link between Ben and Glory?
Willow: No. And I think we already deja'd this vu.
Bitty Buffy: You talk funny.
Willow: Yes, as you'll tell me again when we're older, and in chem class.
5.22 - The Gift
Spike: 'Cause it's always gotta be blood.
Xander: We're not actually discussing dinner right now.
Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going, makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.
Dawn: And I wish you'd fall on your head and drown in your own barf, so I guess we're both having frowny days.
Buffy: How many apocalypses is this for us?
Giles: Well, six, at least. Seems like a hundred.
Anya: No, you see, usually, when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god and worry terribly that something might happen to you, and also worry that something'll happen to me and then I have guilt that I'm not more worried bout everyone else but I just don't have enough, I'm just on total overload and I honestly don't think anything could make me more nervous than I am right now.
Anya: You're proposing to me!
Xander: Yes ...
Anya: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And, and, you think it's romantic and sexy and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it, cause the world's gonna end!
Xander: I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not.
Glory: Wow... the Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?
Buffy: Glory...You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?
Ben: Need... a minute… She could have killed me.
Giles: No she couldn't. Never. And sooner or later, Glory will re-emerge and make Buffy pay for that mercy, and the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she wouldn't take a human life. Because she's a hero, you see. She's not like us.
Buffy: Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.